Impostor Syndrome

Definition: “a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are unable to internalise their accomplishments and live in persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud.”

Or in my case, being intimidated by others in a group even as they’re friends, feeling like I’m not going to “do it right” because I’ve not done the role before and I’m younger/ less experienced etc. than them. I don’t like conflict either, so negotiating all that has been tricky. Subconsciously or not!

This has led to me feeling like I need to check in with people a lot before doing things while also feeling like I need to be seen as “keeping it together”. It wasn’t helped by the fact that I shared the role with someone else. To my mind, that meant we should act more-or-less as a unit – when actually, it turns out, we could operate separately and not always need to check in with each other before doing something.

Meanwhile, the others in the team think that I’m doing a great job with some great ideas. I just need to have more confidence in myself.

Interesting, as I hadn’t even realised I was undermining myself to myself while being thought of highly by others. Might clear up a bit now though because due to circumstances my role is going shift slightly soon. Instead of sharing the role, I’m going to take it on as a single position that’s supported by others when needed.

I just need to remember my confidence – boosted by my other team members who gave me a wonderful, affirming pep talk at our last meeting. It feels good to be appreciated. Now, I’m re-energised by the challenge rather than daunted. Though I do find it ironic that the week that I researched assertiveness for a uni assignment was this week just gone.

Evidence of the renewed confidence: last night I sent off three important emails and, while I discussed relevant details with some other team members – who helped clarify a few points – there were also times when I said to myself, “Ah, wait – do I really need to ask them about that, or am I just seeking reassurance?” The upshot of that is that the emails were sent, ready for viewing in the receivers’ inboxes when they opened them this morning – and one has already got back to me!

Confidence: level up.

Let’s continue like this, shall we?

Bring it on.